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Fighting the Good Fight > 2006-07-04 I have not posted for an extremely long time and I can’t say that I will return. I’m not too sure why I find myself here in the first place actually. But… here goes. Plenty has happened from the last time I wrote. If there was a theme to my experience, I would say my life in the past year or two has been an extended cleansing. Unhealthy people and surface friendships have fallen behind me quite easily. I hold a higher expectation of people and have really accepted the idea that if I’m not enjoying someone’s company, I won’t spend any time on them. Loyalty with a healthy dose of logic is my new motto. For instance, I ask myself “do I want this person’s attributes?” If no, I walk on by. I think I have successfully limited my contradictions to lacking discipline in the domestic sphere. Dishes man. I wish I could just break them and buy new ones. I have been doing TONS of travelling and I’m pretty sure the images of being in a plane crash or the engine exploding and taking out a wing has been reduced by 45% - 60%, depending on whether the West Jet televisions have my attention or not. On a not-so-light note, I travelled across the country (for work) and happened to be in the city where my family lives. Not seeing my grandmother or brothers for 5 years, I figured it might be a good idea to have some closure. Partly curious and partly feeling the need to prove that I’ve gotten past my past. Seeing my brothers was very strange. The youngest wasn’t even walking when he left and the oldest, god he looks like my kid. To look into another human being’s eyes and see your self, it’s very bizarre. He just melted into my lap and clung to my neck, desperate for love. A sad sign that not much has changed in my mother’s parenting. I only saw them for a collected four hours maybe, but in that time I felt like I was floating in a dream. Seeing my grandmother was like awaking to another life and having it feel familiar and so unnatural at the same time. So easily I fell into pretending that this situation was normal. I should say that aspects of the experience were very positive. My brothers are so charming and intelligent and we had some great laughs, but, these children don’t know me and the comfort they felt with me felt as though they were carrying a torch for ghosts of the past. The situation was pleasant, but there are so many unopened packages between me and my family of origin. Like how I was brought back to my grandmother’s house to discover that my bio mother has moved in again, and my brothers are not just visiting, they are obviously being raised by my grandmother again, and my grandmother’s anxiety is at an all time high and she weighs less than I do… Or how my bio mother was “at the mall” until I left the house. So I got the grand tour, looked at pictures, used the bathroom as though it was normal for me to be in the house, and then I left. It is as though I haunted that place. I think it was wrong of me to go there. I kept thinking of how she would feel when the kids would talk about me or when she would see pictures of me in her living room. The only proof that I still exist. What hurt the most, was how my brother cried when I left and how I knew deep in my heart, that when I told him we will see each other again really soon, I lied. Flying back home, I realized that I cannot have a relationship with these children. It’s too dangerous for me and I can’t go there. And I am probably missing out on an enjoyable connection. It’s hardly a fair trade.
Shortly after I cleared my head of that mess, I entered a severe battle for my job and with my co-workers, filed a harassment claim against our project coordinator to an incompetent executive. I cannot even describe the blatant sexism and insanity that I and my team members endured over the past few months from the board of directors that we filed the complaint to (which is what we had to do according to policy). Talk about a gang-bang. And do people ever get angry when you are “responsible” for a change in their job description! Because the volunteer executives had to come together more than once a month to deal with this issue, we were targeted by the people who are not only supposed to represent us, but protect us in the workplace. The entire project we were working on was at stake and for two weeks we were without jobs, consulting human rights lawyers and fearing that all the work we have done since December would just disintegrate because of some ignorant fool and his league of henchmen on the executive. To my disbelief, rights don’t mean a fucking thing – unless you have the money and the resilience to work with bureaucracy long enough to hold someone vaguely accountable. And this can never truly be satisfying. I have learned though, that I am incredibly resilient and even though I was unable to bring the situation to a conclusion I would have desired, there has been a positive shift and I have not compromised myself or my principles in the process. Presently, I am just waiting to get the OK to get back to work. The old volunteer executive comprised of “old boys” and a controlling martyr has (ironically) been replaced by amazing people who love the project and want to keep it alive. One of those people happens to be my partner’s best friend. A shift I would have never predicted and thankfully, I kept fighting.
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